Mother's Day...

What a waste of a holiday. I have been dreading it coming up now for days. Thought the whole weekend would be shot because of it. Yesterday wasn't too bad, actually. Felt pretty decent, and spent the day outside with my daughter. Had a little bonfire last night, and just sat in peace, missing my love. My mom had stopped by earlier in the day with a card for me, and a rosebush - from my daughter for Mother's Day. Considering how I went through the day today, I really appreciated her doing that for me, and called her again this evening to tell her so.

I spent the day crying on and off, thinking about how it would have been if Dan were still here. We probably would have went to church, then out to eat for lunch. He would have had some plan concocted, of something Abby was doing for me. And probably a nice card and flowers. Instead, Abby and I visited my mom and grandma alone, and we came home and I cooked dinner, while making the calls I needed to make for Mother's Day. Pretty much alone the whole day, but my brother did call to wish me a Happy Mother's Day, but my sis in law couldn't even get on the phone to say thanks for the card and necklace I sent her. I thought my dad might stop by, but I don't know why I was surprised when he didn't. His other children are more important, and I should be used to that by now.

Its been a crappy day emotionally, and I feel so alone. I have for days. Its been over a year and a half, and I miss my husband just as much, if not more, than what I did before. Nothing is ever going to be able to fill this gaping hole that is left in my heart, and not only do I still mourn him, but I mourn the life we should be living right now if not for the negligence of some pompous doctor. I don't know when it ends, when it lessens, or when its replaced by acceptance and love. I just know it isn't now.